what it gave me is also real. a precise and unromantic understanding of human nature. the choices people make, the dynamics they create, what it looks like when a person refuses to fill their own emptiness, and what it costs the people around them.

i go on walks sometimes, but not the kind that need shoes. i move through a space in my mind where no one notices me and no one needs to. the figures i encounter there exist without fear or shame. they are simply themselves, completely, without performance or apology.

i've been back in the netherlands for a few weeks now. i didn't grow up here exactly. i arrived at fourteen, passport in hand, into a language i barely spoke and a culture i didn't recognize. what followed was difficult in ways i won't detail here. i survived it, worked through most of it, and eventually left.

i opened the first bag of clay and felt the work return to my hands. the smell was earthy, the weight grounding, the surface pressing back and leaving its marks. arkard began as a vessel built over a salad bowl, then a broken figure, and later a lesson in…

it happens so fast. my attention scatters, my chest tightens, and my defences rise. i’m shown so much i would never choose to invite into my day: content that leaves me tense and slightly ashamed for watching, news fragments designed to spike stress

i’ve heard this phrase often: ‘i’m not racist, but…’ my eyebrows immediately rise. it’s a warning. i listen carefully, because what follows is usually what they believe, and also what they want to deny responsibility for.

the critic in my head had its usual script, measuring every line and value against an unliveable standard. the thought tightened into a sentence: i’m fucking useless, why am I wasting my time?

the paintings and sculptures behind me no longer feel mine. they belong to a time of effort with no return, years of struggle against something that never opened.

destruction has followed me through my life as an artist. i’ve burned, broken, and erased my own work, searching for release when i cannot stand the pain.